Trying my best today 

I don’t want to feel destroyed, I wish things were different. 

BPD breakup 

Check out the link. While I go and find peace for myself. 

🌹🌹

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Nightine woes


The dreams keep coming, dreams about the life we had, the day to day. And then you’re gone, different ways, or reasons each time but gone none the less. And the grieving begins again. I miss you, truly. I wish it hadn’t ended. Especially the way it did. It pulls at my heart everyday, I have written letters I will never send. I find some of your things almost everyday, collecting them in a box for now. But sometimes I will leave them be, as a reminder that you were here with me. A reminder to not make the same mistakes again that caused you to leave here. I’m sorry that you don’t feel I am sincere. I am just trying to move on. But everything here reminds me of you. All the memories here, were made with you.  

Laying here I wonder if 1 single thing had been different would the outcome have changed? Speaking of change I have been trying to change various aspects of my life in hopes of feeling better but not forgetting you. 

New bed, a routine reflective of how things were when you were here, a coffee mug just like yours. And so many other things. Life goes up and down, I can handle most of it, and I feel so motivated to make you proud… YOU… not anyone else, well maybe myself, but YOU! I want you to know that you have been the reason I started this life, and plan to continue to make you proud wether you are here with me or not. 

I love you, and miss you! 

Anxiety-hyperfixation

It’s been an interetesting few days. Advocating for myself on my healthcare, rearranging an entire room by myself. (Including bringing a mattress up a flight of stairs)  New glasses that I still can’t see very well out of. 

In therapy last week apparently a new discovery was made by my therapist that I have been seeing for around 10 years. I was describing a typical day for me and mentioned how my my thoughts get on one thing and just stay. Some say rumination, or obsession… but it’s THIS! 

This article, on The Mighty

Sometimes the thoughts are negative but mostly my “obsession” is this type. 

I just came across this article today. My anxiety causes me to just focus on whatever I can find that makes me forget it. And that’s what I do. There are about 2-3 weeks that I crochet everyday, then not for weeks or even months. I get into a “I want to color” mood and color in my free time for like 3 days. I started watching Fraiser back in March binged through 4 seasons and have not watched since. Actually I have only binged on 1 show since and that was back in July/Aug. 

At work I do a lot of hyperfixation to some it looks like procrastination but it’s not… I purposely plan to have to sit at my desk for (2) 4 hours shifts just to complete tasks at the end of the month. And then there’s Hanson! There were a few years that I barely listened to them at all and during that time I was doing a lot of crafting. Lately all I listen too is Hanson. There were a few months I fell off the band wagon so to speak… lol 

My therapist was concerned and she was like that’s unhealthy… but I’m thinking what’s the harm if I am feeling good? 

I hope this helps someone feel better about their “obsessions” 

To be an empath..

To an empath words hold little weight, unless they are sincere and an empath knows when they are. Being an empath can be difficult on one’s soul. Even from a distance once a bond is formed the empath always knows. 

I am an empath and whenever I have forged a strong bond with someone I will always be able to feel their truth. Whether they are lying to themselves or not I believe  that I have this gift of knowing. Knowing people’s feelings mostly, there are a few other things as well. 

With this I need to learn to protect my self from any negative emotions that come through because I also follow the law of atttaction. So feelings are everything… I have lived this! Proof of “you attract what you are feeling whether you want it or not!”

I know I have posted about some of this before, so I won’t go into detail, but I had a more recent experience with it as well. Fear is the biggest negative emotion I deal with. I am working on some wellness tools and daily maintenance items that can limit my fearful thoughts/feelings. Most days taking my anxiety med is number one, other days that’s just not enough! 

So here I am sitting in my car, typing, thinking, feeling….always feeling. Meditation may be in order after this post. 

Also found this link 🙂 

Relationships with empaths

Random Thursday! 

Life is stressful. I never know if I am making the right decision or not and many times I have realized too late that my decision was the wrong one. Today is my day off but there is so much to do. Trying to get my insurance back, was feeling confident, but now I am super anxious because the people over there don’t listen. I feel like it’s going to be a battle. I am not sure what else to do… 

Mornings haven’t been too hard lately but Sundays are excruciating. My life has all the important things and yet I still feel empty somedays and need gentle reminders a lot! 

In the outside I can appear absolutely fine (why I can go off my meds for long periods and no one even knows) but months/years down the line it does catch up internally and I need help again. 

Been thinking of dying my hair again. That was a good few months made me feel happy remembering each morning that I have rainbow hair. I am such a silly girl. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. And my feelings are always deep. 

I feel the change coming, and it makes me nervous… I have lived my life this way for almost 3 years and then I may be different in a second… different is stressful, for  awhile… 

well today I have Hanson, and Coffee! 

Morning stuff

Dreamer

“Dreaming of rotten wood hints on appropriate time to pay serious attention to own health.”

Well today is the last day I will health insurance for who knows how long. I am hoping only a few days-weeks. Great time to be without it huh..? 

I have had an increase in need for coverage with an ongoing problem. Now, I have a new one and since today’s the last day I am having a bunch of tests. Blood, X-rays, etc. 

Last night I dreamt about the house I spent most of my childhood in… there are these wooden steps near the kitchen… in my dream they were rotting away. I wanted to fix them. I even looked up how on my phone in my dream. And then I also had a dream about brakes on my car not working. And that means that I’m “out of control” in some part of my life. Mentions an affair, anxiety, money matters. 

raven


so anyway. I will be doing my best to re-evaluate and fix these issues. I need to do all I can to stay physically and emotionally healthy in next few weeks. Hoping this lapse in coverage won’t last longer than a week.

Not over for me 

So a few month ago there was this great love. I miss it. I want to continue to pursue it. I was told it’s over. But for me it’s not. In my head I see that you are gone but my heart still feels as if you are here, with me. I wish that were enough, I want the physical touch of your hands, I need your body close to hug all this hurt away. I miss you. I love you. If you ever see this I hope it means we will be as one again. 🌹💔❤️