Random, yet calm

So for some god forsaken reason I have been awake since 3am! It’s a little after 6 now! 

On my phone, eating Chinese food, paying bills… yea I am pretty productive apparently. 

I’m fighting with whether I should get up and start my day or just try to sleep at least a little. 

Thinking, no, I know I am going to apply for a job on Sunday. A job in NJ. I’m nervous because I was kinda going to wait til summer to move but this is an awesome opportunity. I am not sure if the pay rate but I imagine by the job description and the employer it’s well above what I currently earn. 

It would put me in a position to purchase a house within a year. Debt is a bit of an issue right now, but I am confident that will change with the new job. It’s bitter seeet and I may cry when I leave here but in the long run it’s better for my family. So many “loose ends” I’d have to tie up as well… 

man I’m getting stressed thinking about it. So I guess it’s time for sleep to reset my positive thinking ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Unconditional loveย 

I just read this quote… 

Tell me every terrible thing you ever did and let me love you anyway.

I do believe I live my life this way. ๐Ÿ™‚

I originally started writing this post back in August of 2016!! I believe I was thinking back to everything that has manifested into my experience… 

almost 2 years ago some stuff happened and that day I almost couldn’t believe it. I would wake up everyday for more than a month thinking today is the day someone is gonna say your just being punk’d. Those first 6-9 months were tough, and probably the worst moments of my life. 

I think back now to how that came into my experience… I do have to say be careful what you wish for! I had a lot going on and wanted more time with my daughter, and there were thoughts in my mind about (fear) losing someone I loved.  Let’s just say both those things manifested! 

People have done things to me, to themselves, to other people, animals, society etc. But I believe character is deeper. And if the world was numb to the terrible stuff (if everyone had a high vibration) 2 things would happen: 

1. We would all be happy little creatures 

2. There would be little to no bad things happening because every one would be happy! 

So mind your thoughts, thoughts matter just as much or more than your actions. Love yourself, and everyone else! Unconditionally!

Better For It

So there are things happening, good, bad and ugly…(kinda).

There are a few things I am convinced of. And then there are some reasons that make me really care less about this. I have been getting pretty good news lately pertaining to my family dynamic. So that is promising. 

I started this post around 9:30pm and now it’s the next morning… 

Kind of want to go in a different direction- I like to think of myself as a person that accepts people. A person who gives away unconditional love and loves every minute of it. 

My job can be challenging at times but I still embrace the love and kindness that comes around. 

In my personal life I KNOW I give love and kindness to every person everyday! But recently I have felt that I am maybe not doing enough… or maybe too much? 

Maybe there is only so much love and kindness 1 person can take. I also feel that I should be able to feel the love I send out. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ 

Most of the time that is the case, but when I am not feeling it, it gets me. Like they don’t care, are they capable of love? If someone is able to love you then your vibrations match, you are capable of loving them back. If you are in a bad place in your mind, the people that are also in your experience are probabaly there too.

Earlier this week I had a person someone I care for deeply leave my experience. I am sad because I miss talking but I guess we are at different places. I’d like to think she’s well… 

Then  there was a visit to someone who’s not always in my experience lately. I went with intentions of having to explain some stuff, but left with a new perspective on myself. There are still people in this world that love me and want me in their lives. (It’s been a rough week in that realm) 

I don’t like that there are people missing from my life that I love and care about but maybe the universe knows something I don’t and we are all better for it! 


Right now there is so much in my mind that this post may seem endless. First off I recently came into a situation that I don’t want to be in. I am basically being blamed for something I did not do and feel like I lost a friend. I’m kinda getting the impression I was “framed” actually. I mean I have perception issues sometimes but this doesn’t seem far off. My theory is it’s who you least expect! 

And then there’s my new medication. Stomach pain is an understatement. This medicine is pretty serious, something new to me, have not been on something this serious in quite a number of years. It is the ONLY one I am on right now. It’s so intense that there are like 40-50 interactions… Plus you HAVE to eat at least 350 calories with it. I have struggled with that. I am on a lower than recommended starting dose because of my sensitivity to meds, and it still sucks. If this stomach thing is temporary then I guess I  can wait it out but if there is no hope for this to leave I need something different. That is why I am up, stomach pain. The first couple days I chocked it up to anxiety about what was going on. But yesterday I skipped my dose (didn’t want to eat) and I was FINE all day! So it’s the med. 

I know I have not shared my most personal stuff here but today was a mostly good day. Made a little trip to see someone I don’t get to see everyday anymore. Drive felt good, visit turned into a “hot date” as hot as it could have gotten anyway… lol. Even though when I posted earlier on my Tumblr about a hot date I was being completely sarcastic! But hey, law of attraction right!? ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Slacking in some of my home responsibilities again. Mostly laundry and kitchen stuff. Bathroom could use a cleaning too. Being the only adult in a house with a child that makes more messes then you can handle then having depression/anxiety on top of that sucks! Doesn’t help that I have so much stuff! 


I am on a debt free journey… 

my debt is just under $12k and my husbands is $16k. I have followed Dave Ramsey on/off for a few years. I am at the point where anything worth selling is gone. I have tried so hard to sell clothes, books, misc. craft items. No luck, my thought is if I just donate it and get it out of my house 1. Will I regret not having that money?  2. How long is too long to hang onto stuff that is no longer needed? I have children’s clothes, and so much other stuff, and as much as I’d like to give back on a small scale (local, families, etc.) I just want to pack it all in my car and bring it to work (I work for Goodwill). Just to have it all done and over with. Plus there are some craft supplies that I probably won’t ever use but can’t bear to part with yet! That’s another whole post on its own…. lol 

See endless, tired of reading yet? 

In the end, I am feeling okay in my head. There is some anger towards the blaming situation, there hope for the future of my family, guess I feel good about venting all my thoughts. I hope today turns into  pretty awesome day. 

Ileave you with some law of attraction intention setting ๐Ÿ™‚ 

It is my intention to only have positive interaction and bring people that care about me into my experience. I have positive thoughts and those things will manifest into my experience as I relax into allowing. 


So back in September I talked about the leadership training I was about to begin at my job. Well, today I had to withdraw from that class. In a half an hour my peers will learn the news and everyone will be on their way. I was barely part of the group due to always having to leave at lunch or just not making it to class anyway. I knew this decision was a long time coming for me. I do not have the supports I need here where I live. The only Thing that keeps me here is my job. I have a job here but not where I’d rather be. Trust me, I am working on that. I have a friend looking for information for me. I have some places to call. I want to feel secure about going there. I want to know it’s not a mistake. Sometimes I am like screw it I’ll figure it out later. But I know it’s not logical and I step back… y am I not the person to take risks.? I wish I had it in me to talk to new people, take a few more risks, network etc. idk I guess i will just figure out where to go next. 


The last few days are sort of a blur… I guess I have 2 settings at the moment. Obsessed and could care less! 

There are times that every moment drags on and I’m in agony because of the thoughts in my head. Then there are times that I function on autopilot and I can hardly remember if I ate. I am looking for that in-between. I haven’t felt really down in about 3days. And I have slowly been improving. I cleaned today, and cooked. Both of those things I have not done since well before Christmas. Well at my own house anyway. I am not sure why or how I went on for so long but I’m better today than I was yesterday. And I have hope for this next week to bring me to an even better place. 

Here’s to hoping and hanging on to positivity. 


I am not a person who uses the word hate! I was thinking out loud just now and the words… “I hate you” came out of my mouth. Then I was like do I really hate them..? In that moment, yes! But they are probably a good person, cares for someone, would be missed… but I wish they were not in my experience! 

I have about 4-5 people I feel this way about. So right now, I will just let it out. 


It would be nice if the thoughts in my head would just die! People need people. I originally layed down to nap, because I am having intrusive thoughts, but the thoughts remain. Stomach sinking, why do I have the experiences that I have..? 

I am trying to refocus on my positivity so, here it goes. 

It would be really nice if these people I strongly dislike would not be in my experience any longer. I only wish for the people that care about me, and trust me, and have positive feelings towards me to remain.