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Another link to follow… 

I have read a lot of articles over the last few weeks and I was planning to write a post sinilar to this. It’s actually in progress but I am still posting this because it resonates with me.

Open letter to a Narcissist

It’s a process, and I sometimes need to remind myself often about how bad I felt when all this was coming to a head. I know it is not their fault, they did not choose the illness. I wish things were different and whatever happened in their head would have been different. 

The control was something I could have handled if I had felt like I was appreciated. My feelings didn’t seem to matter. Yes you would hug me or console me but only when it had nothing to do with my feelings towards you. 

YOU had your agenda… 

I get it, we all want things for ourselves but when you have other people involved some sacrifices and compromises need to be made. I would have like to work on things and see what would come if it… but it is what it is… 

your words not mine. 

So yes I may look heartless and that I was not committed to what we had but I am taking my turn at having an agenda. 

I will accept the love that is given and continue to create an amazing life for my family. 

Wish you were apart of it, hope you make it out there on your own. 

Because I know you read this! 

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Solve for X 

So tonight I find myself child-free and also not at work.!.?! 

What!? That never happens. Would have been nice a few months ago. Anyway, chores are getting done and then a peaceful bedtime routine after we get back home. Not much has happened in last few days. I had a therapy appt. and an eye appt to finally fix my glasses. 

Back to therapy…. I walked in knowing I was gonna cry. But today the was the fewest amount of tears in months. I told her about an article I had read earlier that day, she laughed and said how true for your life?! Yes painfully truthful actually. But it helped me realize a few things and I am able to handle things differently now. 

So here I am at a laundromat thinking about how different life is each day, yet I am pretty sure I felt the same feelings this time last year as I do now. Career wise I am hoping for big strides wether I am independently making it or moving up in my job. Both are possiblities. My life seems like an algebra problem sometimes, with too many variables for me to handle. Yet somehow it always works. People with mental health challenges can be pretty maguverish…. 

you figure out how to survive, somemtines it’s not always a health skill but I have been lucky and I don’t think I have any bad ones per say, maybe bad choices that I learned from tho.

Nightine woes


The dreams keep coming, dreams about the life we had, the day to day. And then you’re gone, different ways, or reasons each time but gone none the less. And the grieving begins again. I miss you, truly. I wish it hadn’t ended. Especially the way it did. It pulls at my heart everyday, I have written letters I will never send. I find some of your things almost everyday, collecting them in a box for now. But sometimes I will leave them be, as a reminder that you were here with me. A reminder to not make the same mistakes again that caused you to leave here. I’m sorry that you don’t feel I am sincere. I am just trying to move on. But everything here reminds me of you. All the memories here, were made with you.  

Laying here I wonder if 1 single thing had been different would the outcome have changed? Speaking of change I have been trying to change various aspects of my life in hopes of feeling better but not forgetting you. 

New bed, a routine reflective of how things were when you were here, a coffee mug just like yours. And so many other things. Life goes up and down, I can handle most of it, and I feel so motivated to make you proud… YOU… not anyone else, well maybe myself, but YOU! I want you to know that you have been the reason I started this life, and plan to continue to make you proud wether you are here with me or not. 

I love you, and miss you! 

Anxiety-hyperfixation

It’s been an interetesting few days. Advocating for myself on my healthcare, rearranging an entire room by myself. (Including bringing a mattress up a flight of stairs)  New glasses that I still can’t see very well out of. 

In therapy last week apparently a new discovery was made by my therapist that I have been seeing for around 10 years. I was describing a typical day for me and mentioned how my my thoughts get on one thing and just stay. Some say rumination, or obsession… but it’s THIS! 

This article, on The Mighty

Sometimes the thoughts are negative but mostly my “obsession” is this type. 

I just came across this article today. My anxiety causes me to just focus on whatever I can find that makes me forget it. And that’s what I do. There are about 2-3 weeks that I crochet everyday, then not for weeks or even months. I get into a “I want to color” mood and color in my free time for like 3 days. I started watching Fraiser back in March binged through 4 seasons and have not watched since. Actually I have only binged on 1 show since and that was back in July/Aug. 

At work I do a lot of hyperfixation to some it looks like procrastination but it’s not… I purposely plan to have to sit at my desk for (2) 4 hours shifts just to complete tasks at the end of the month. And then there’s Hanson! There were a few years that I barely listened to them at all and during that time I was doing a lot of crafting. Lately all I listen too is Hanson. There were a few months I fell off the band wagon so to speak… lol 

My therapist was concerned and she was like that’s unhealthy… but I’m thinking what’s the harm if I am feeling good? 

I hope this helps someone feel better about their “obsessions” 

To be an empath..

To an empath words hold little weight, unless they are sincere and an empath knows when they are. Being an empath can be difficult on one’s soul. Even from a distance once a bond is formed the empath always knows. 

I am an empath and whenever I have forged a strong bond with someone I will always be able to feel their truth. Whether they are lying to themselves or not I believe  that I have this gift of knowing. Knowing people’s feelings mostly, there are a few other things as well. 

With this I need to learn to protect my self from any negative emotions that come through because I also follow the law of atttaction. So feelings are everything… I have lived this! Proof of “you attract what you are feeling whether you want it or not!”

I know I have posted about some of this before, so I won’t go into detail, but I had a more recent experience with it as well. Fear is the biggest negative emotion I deal with. I am working on some wellness tools and daily maintenance items that can limit my fearful thoughts/feelings. Most days taking my anxiety med is number one, other days that’s just not enough! 

So here I am sitting in my car, typing, thinking, feeling….always feeling. Meditation may be in order after this post. 

Also found this link 🙂 

Relationships with empaths

Random Thursday! 

Life is stressful. I never know if I am making the right decision or not and many times I have realized too late that my decision was the wrong one. Today is my day off but there is so much to do. Trying to get my insurance back, was feeling confident, but now I am super anxious because the people over there don’t listen. I feel like it’s going to be a battle. I am not sure what else to do… 

Mornings haven’t been too hard lately but Sundays are excruciating. My life has all the important things and yet I still feel empty somedays and need gentle reminders a lot! 

In the outside I can appear absolutely fine (why I can go off my meds for long periods and no one even knows) but months/years down the line it does catch up internally and I need help again. 

Been thinking of dying my hair again. That was a good few months made me feel happy remembering each morning that I have rainbow hair. I am such a silly girl. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. And my feelings are always deep. 

I feel the change coming, and it makes me nervous… I have lived my life this way for almost 3 years and then I may be different in a second… different is stressful, for  awhile… 

well today I have Hanson, and Coffee! 

Morning stuff