Author: myrealityinblackandwhite

EmO

Let me start by saying, I don’t sleep much anymore. On top of that my body hurts so much. If I was wing productive while not sleeping then I would say it’s a win… however that is not the case. There was a day or two that felt good emotionally and physically and now I am back to pain and tiredness. Started a nerve med supposed to make me sleepy… not much luck tonight.

I have found a new love… essential oils. Did a blend recipe for the first time tonight! Thinking to myself, wish I had money to throw away… I want to buy all the oils and mix all my own stuff! Trying to stay calm and cool it to be honest Math is freaking me out! Thinking I will be taking this class over again. πŸ˜’

So here I go… maybe sleep maybe not but til next timeπŸ‘‹πŸ».

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Be

How many people in your life do you think are genuine with you? Can you even tell? Does their genuineness invite yours?

Went to a training last week and the word genuine came up. Then I a Law Of Attraction group online I saw a quote. “What you say doesn’t matter, only what you feel.” Made me think about some people in my life. You can lie all you want, even to yourself. But deep down inside the universe knows the feeling behind your actions, and words. Be genuine, be authentic…

College…again.

Obligatory new semester post…

I have started my summer semester. With it came end of month paperwork, and the worse stomach pain thus far. Still 2 weeks out for any GI tests. I also go into a training next week as well.

So much fun.

Today I posted on FB a random post with a variety of unrelated emojis to describe how my Brian feels when I am studying math!

Then there is literature. I did very well in my research and composition class even after thinking and saying that I hated it. Nope, I didn’t. But literature… um I hate FICTION I have not read a fiction book in idk how long other than poems and kids books for my daughter. Yuck! Read 53 pages of fine print today… have 30more to do in the AM. My first math assignment however was an A…!? What!?

I wish I had taken 1 class that is if interest to me, motivation is not coming anytime soon. My medical conditions are not helping…

Here’s to a successful and motivating weekend!

Self

I used to be a very selfless person. I would say it was to a fault. I had no problem giving up money, time energy and love, and commitment to people, projects etc. the last few years as I have learned to live a very different life I have also learned to know myself and love myself. Therefore I have become more selfish as many people seem to think. Selfishness should not be a bad thing. Being selfish is a wellness tool, a healthy person is actually quite selfish. But when u are so selfless then suddenly have respect for your time, money, efforts, and self people don’t see that as wellness.

If you know anything about the Law Of Attraction then your aware that it teaches u to be selfish. You need to be. You mind ur own business and worry about your thoughts and feelings. If something is going to feel good do it. If not don’t. If you tried to consider the thoughts and feelings of every person affected by your decision then you would not feel good about anything.

I have learned to live my life that way. So yea I may be selfish but when I feel good then the people that care about me and love me will benefit as well and those are people I Want around anyway.

I want to know…

Sit here quietly with only a fan

I can’t stand the sound from the A/C

Is that where it all went wrong

My desire to make you happy

Perhaps it impeded on my needs

Maybe that’s to blame

Saw this and through today youI would really like to know It feels as though I am missing a a price of my heart without you in my life

My own

This post is going to be quite random. So many things are happening in my life. My first semester back at college is coming to an end. A very successful end actually. I only have a little work left to do in 1 class and I will be free for a couple weeks. Well kinda! I have joined an endeavor that will hopefully help me earn more money and experience for my coaching business. Training is starting and I am excited. I also had another job offer, but I am unsure if I should take it. The promise of fulfillment at my current job has been ongoing for quite some time and I want to real free and really find a place to advance but I keep hitting a wall.

Over the weekend I did some traveling. I had a nice visit and then had to make the trip back home all alone. I am hoping that was THE last time or NEXT to last time.

I feel my body getting sick again. Just fluid staying in my soft tissue. It causes nerve pain. I cannot seem to get it to go away. On the bright side I will have answers to why my stomach is always stinging. Tests upon tests!

As I lay here I keep playing some stuff back in my head. I wonder if I was in the wrong. I do not think I did anything to cause pain. I have reasons and morals and beliefs. I am not perfect, but I do know that I am not to blame. Sometimes I miss it and others I find relief in knowing I have choices. I felt like there was an expectation I could not meet. The only expectations I plan to meet are my own!

came to stay

It has been almost a year since that day you arrived. I thought it was going to be forever. I thought you came to stay. Stay here, building a new life. You have that soul deep down, the one I fell in love with. But when you came to stay your soul must have stayed away. I wanted to hold you in my arms. Your plans were different than I thought. I felt as though you kinda forgot to gather me up and bring me along. Left in the dust of what you were building. I felt I couldn’t keep up. But then it changed. Staying wasn’t part of the game. It felt more like you came to play. When the fun left you did too. The ideals of what was wanted could not be sustained. Expectations grew crooked but neither to blame when we both knew you came to stay.