Author: myrealityinblackandwhite

Writing

I have always enjoyed writing. But I realized today that I really only enjoy it when its on my terms. Like most things in my life. I can name a few things I enjoy no matter what, and I wish writing was one of them. I do not enjoy technical aspects of writing, nor do I like having a deadline, especially when I’m not fond of the topic.

So this is college life again for a 33 year old trying to work full time and raise an 8 yr old girl who thinks she’s 30!

I have been laying in bed for an hour, don’t even feel tired, not sure if it’s adrenaline because I want to finish this assignment or what but I do know that I will have to sleep sooner or later.

I have been trying to write a poem for/about someone dear to me. I have a bunch of thoughts and lines on paper but nothing seems good enough to put together. I’m going to continue to work on it and hopefully when the lul of college assignments hits (spring break) I’ll finish it.

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Experience

College has started for me again. The experience so far has been so so. I actually failed a quiz on purpose to make a point! I was not that person a few years ago. And I was flipping through my Reading book and found some delightfully controversial essays. All I can think about is if those get assigned to me my professor is going to wish I was not in her class. OMG! College is looking to be a new and different experience from last time I was in board.

Wish me luck, and my professors too.

Worth it

We put ourselves through things often thinking it’s worth it for the reward at the end. What if the reward seems to slowly slip away? Do you continue in the path because it’s the right thing to do? Or do you stop putting in the effort and back away? I have struggled with many things in life. Most of the past 4 years I have felt rewarded in my job. Lately, not so much. I still give it my best everyday and I hope that it gets better. But the last year I feel like nothing has improved or changed and I want something different. I am trying to still give it my all and sneak out on the side to put my efforts into something else. Nothing is promised and sometimes I doubt myself but I keep trying.

Anger

for the longest time, I wasn’t sure I could truly feel anger. I used to feel angry towards myself, and had very unhealthy ways or expressing it. recently I am realizing I do feel anger, i am just unsure of ways to express it. i usually just put it inside and hide it, then things get all fucked up. Well starting today I am going to start learning how to express my anger in a healthy way. Right now just thinking about doing this is making me anxious and feel like i should just not… I always thought that not expressing my anger made me a good person, and helped me feel unconditional love towards everyone. Not sure how to go about this, right now I want to express anger but it is coming out as crazy, like I want to text text and text until I get a response… almost like my anger wants to induce anger in someone else…

 

Rough Night

so my day and evening have been rough to say the least… my mental health is not quite right at the moment and its kinda a mystery as to why… well kinda. I mean med wise i was doing what i was supposed to, stress keeps piling on and i feel almost no relief from my anxiety. About a week ago i emailed someone, and continued to do so for a week. NEVER got a reply, was super stressed abut not hearing back AT ALL. today i discovered i had the address wrong! So i can only imagine what the person on the other end is thinking…

Med change came today trying to fix this anxiety problem because its actually causing depression. And then my phone my LIFE decides today is the day its going to not want to work… everything important in my life besides people is in that phone… not backed up!!! ugh! Apple support wasnt much help, i actually suggested something and they were like uh, yea try that… so now its a waiting game… who knows how long it will take my phones battery to drain (it was fully charged).

had a few moments tonight where i wanted to resend those emails and even pretty much throw myself to the wolves because its gotta be better than whats inside me right now.

cant sleep because i am too anxious about my phone, i cried like 6 times tonight at the thought of losing everything…

i cant i just cant!

please please please…

as for work, i need to move on at some point. I really cannot keep going  through the mind games each month… i mean not everyone sees it like that but in a way thats what it is. I cannot do it. someone told me once what it was really like in the company, i didnt believe them. well now i do… i am will start looking for a new job again soon. and continue the coaching business pursuit. hopefully come friday my stress level will be lower…

 

 

 

yea rough day

Am I fighting a losing  battle? 

Lost the anxiety battle yesterday:

I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me… about a week ago I was able to go a few days without anxiety meds but the last few days I can barely function with them. My anxiety has been crippling lately. Like anxiety that isn’t “satisfied” and turns into anger and depression.

I’m always annoyed and eating has become my coping skill, not terrible considering usually I don’t eat but I find myself buying fast food etc. and then without money.

Considering taking a few days off work in a week or so because I need time to get my shit together. Nothing has changed in my life the last 2 months so I don’t understand why this change with my symptoms. I see my dr. Next week and I am hoping to figure it out. Like it all just seems so irrational, and the fact that I know that says something.

I just woke up and feel absolutely fine… safe in my bed, my home, had some anxiety inducing thoughts but nothing I couldn’t overcome… I wonder if the same thoughts crossed my mind while driving, at work if it would escalate…?

I am thankful for a shorter workday today and spending time with family later.