Trying to survive!

Today was a decent day, accomplished a lot. I did struggle at times, and I am struggling right now. I am struggling to stay afloat, to convince myself not to step out to the edge of that wall. That wall that will cause me to lose all progress made today. I will feel as though my last post has no weight at all. Trying so hard to not let those thoughts in. Needing to find a distraction! Forgot to take my evening meds and now it’s too late, so I lay here trying to figure out if it’s worth it. Most of my emotions are intense…, either good or bad, but intense! I wish I had a bit of “normalcy” in me, in my brain. I have strives for that, I reach it now and again but only for short periods of time. I miss my family, I miss having someone here. I miss closeness. On days I have work I go to work, do my job, go home sleep, start over… But my days off, they become the problem, my head gets consumed by anxiety and planning and hoping but with not quite enough faith and then things happen… I act on thoughts and feelings way to sooner than I should… ! 

Today I am just trying to survive.


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