Everytime I have an anxious episode it feels like the first! Everytime that state of mind hits I lose all control, I can’t remeber anything, my judgement goes out the window.
Right now I am not anxious, so I can recall that I do not like my actions when I am feeling anxiety and I really wish there was something that could snap me back, but, at this point in time I do not know what to do about it, other than trying to avoid anxiety.
When it’s happening I don’t realize it’s happening, and I just DO things, some of those things have had a longer lasting effect on my life. I have been thinking a lot this morning, thinking about my feelings and how I present myself to the world. I am realizing that I am VERY much “all over the place”. I don’t feel like an adult most of the time. At home I usually procrastinate all responsibilities for as long as I can, I eat like crap because I hate cooking. I am basically a messy college student that turns into a mom from time to time. Even though I have a stable job that I love and have been at for 3+years it doesn’t feel like an adult job. I know I am respected but I still feel irresponsible. I know my field, I do my job well, I communicate well, I am a supervisor, yet I still feel child-like.
Recently there have been situations that I have been in that I did feel like an adult. Some of those situations evokes anxiety and fear but I made it through.
I am learning to choose my thoughts and feelings, once I make “the wrong choice” and feed my anxiety I have given up my power to stay happy. I am working hard to keep my vibration up. If the thought doesn’t feel good I change it. This is new to me, I used to just let what ever was there fester.
A little over a year ago tragedy hit my family, an event that has been by far the worse event in my life, we are still dealing with it, and will be for awhile. Yet I still feel happy, years ago I would have said, what?, you can’t be happy, look at what is happening in your life…. But today that is not the case and I am thankful for all the progress I have made, whether I feel like an adult or not, I actually think I have this life thing down pretty well. 🙂