A million Little battles

Sitting here with an IQ of 130, over analyzing every single thought that comes to mind. 

Can someone really be “too smart for their own good” so to speak? 

I find I can be miserable and suffer terribly at times but when I am in a good place I soar, I accomplish goals beyond what I set for myself. I feel lucky in a way that I do know both extremes…. 

Exhilaration to Despair

I have been gifted with 6th sense abilities. Not like to tell the future or talk to the dead or anything like that, but I am definitely an Empath, and I also have a knowing sense… 

I don’t always know all the details but I know things sometimes. 

Sometimes it’s just anxiety with no known origin and then something bad happens. Or my favorite, I have a talent for knowing when women are pregnant, sometimes before they know. I have dreams about events in friends lives before it happens. It’s cool and scary all at once. 

Trying to learn how to protect myself especially working in the mental health field, I get a lot of negative emotion just from being at my job. Not that I don’t love my job but sometimes there’s an extra layer of intense sadness in the atmosphere. 

I had a conversation a few days ago with someone and I mentioned I was an introvert… They adamantly disagreed. I can appear to be an extrovert, especially when around other extroverts but I am an introvert. 

Actually ISFJ to be exact. Nurturing is my thing it’s what I do, but I don’t always nurture myself. 

The stress that has been present in my life the last year has caused me to slip in the realm of self-care. I have lost 50lbs, no exercise, no meal plan, no “diet”. STRESS!

Well because of the slip in self-care I am now taking the hit and need to take new meds. This one in particular increases appetite. So I have been eating more and now I have anxiety about fitting in a dress for a wedding in a few months. So now I am trying to balance it out by implementing an exercise plan. So far no success. 

So in my last last post I talked about an “addiction”. 

I have been thinking a lot about it. 

Extreme emotion is kinda my addiction. I can be happy but not ecstatic and think that I am “numb” and not okay, in the past that has caused me to stop taking meds. I am so used to the extreme I sometime go for the closest extreme I can find and despair and sadness is the easiest because it takes less effort… 

I am learning that it is okay to just feel happy/content and that is better than feeling sadness. I am learning to completely avoid talking about negativity. I avoid any subject that brings anxiety. I know that avoiding those will at least keep me on an upper plane and I can keep reaching from there. 

Today unfortunately I lost a battle in the war of avoidance. 

I know better and so then I beat myself up about the failure. 

I’m just a mess today. Hoping the events planned for later this week will start to bring joy and good feelings of anticipation. 

Each day feels like a new battle, and sometimes I lose. Sometimes others lose, I cause pain because of my thoughts being trapped. I have also won a few lately! Hoping for more of those. 

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