Dislike

I love writing and expressing my feelings and being in the moment. But apparently I do not express myself correctly. My choice of words can be less than subtle shall we say. At this moment in time I dislike words and thoughts and ideas! I dislike my need to express them, I dislike how people can interpret things so many different ways based on their mood, personality… Etc. I feel like I have given myself to others over and over and I just want to feel good for me. I tried to express that and failed! At the time I was trying to express it the words would not come out right but I made an attempt. That attempt blew up in my face. Yes I am refering to the same thing from my last post. 

My wish is that I can continue on and learn from this. Learn that I am worth it. I can overcome, I can give love and I deserve to recieve love in return. I just cannot figure people out so I am going to stop trying! My heart is sinking and I want to heal. 

I feel as though I was treated badly as a reflection of another’s past. I did nothing to envoke the response I got. Today I seek peace. Answers are not coming so maybe peace will. I want to find peace inside myself because I have searched for so long to find it in others even though I know it can only come from me. I want guidance so I can figure out how to start my journey. 

Recovery from mental illness is a long road. At times I want to throw up my hands and surrender and let others take over for me! Because making choices is too difficult at times and lately I never seem to make the right ones. So each time I am faced with a decision I get scared. And when fear is the vibration of course the choice is wrong! I have just recently started working on my fear. But it has proven too late for some things in my life. I wish that was not the case but none the less I am still working on it. I will pray for strengthened faith, for patience and hope. Because right now I feel hopeless and helpless and that is not a good combination! 

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