When I started my mental “illness” journey I was given a label…
Depression! Well depression evolved into Bipolar 1 Disorder which after 1-2 hospitalization and serious self-harm and many poor decisions became Borderline Personality Disorder!
This is some serious stuff, so many medications, side-effects, and the desire to be free from it all caused relapse over and over!
Then for about 2 years there were revolving hospital doors and a residential program. Soon after discharge from that program some things happened in my life. I’m not sure if it was the skills I learned or the desire to care for and provide for my new family or the love and support I received back from that that I had maybe been searching for and finally found… But it stopped, yes I had some depressive “episodes” and no it wasn’t perfect but slowly over the next 5.5 years my life grew, less medication, and a change in diagnosis again. This time to Bi-Polar 2 disorder…no manic episodes in 5 years 🙂
1.5 years later
Family crisis, loss grief, whirlwind in my mind and life… Loss of supports! Enter MANIC EPISODE!
I was at the psychiatrist last week and my streak has ended! My Dx has changed yet again! Bi-Polar 1 is back with all sorts of crazy thoughts and much much more.
I am aware that I have done things out of the “acceptable” for society and I maybe regretted some choices after. But I still made all of those choices and most of it was a good time.
So now as I am “down” should we say, I am facing more medication again so I can once again live the “normal” life I did for around 6yrs. I know things won’t be perfect or exactly the same but I am trying hard not to hurt people or myself.
Self-sabotage is one of the things I do the most and it actually hurts a lot of people… More than just myself. Sometimes I think that is why I am a “homebody” or an introvert in general. I don’t want to hurt people so I just don’t socialize and talk to them. I had a good run of just having my own little tiny circle, not letting anyone new in just me and my family. And then I try but I fail. So I’m just not one for socializing, that’s okay next task.
I am trying to deal with the lingering thoughts from my mania and get back to a version of my life before. Sometimes that is not always easy. This past weekend I was visiting my friends family… They are basically my family. But anyway, there was temptation and thoughts, and tears, and conversation, and a wonder.
In the end I had the support I needed and as of this moment I feel confident about the next few weeks.
So here’s to hope and knowing that everyone’s journey is different and there are many bumps in the road but we can always get back to where we were.