I don’t usually post 2x’s in one day let alone in a week but the thoughts keep coming…
Today I am feeling like my mental health diagnosis is a failing. I know it’s not my fault but it definitely gets me into more trouble than I would like. Self sabotage and pity and taking that label a step too far. Because of the way my mind “works” or doesn’t I feel less than and like I cannot overcome certain behaviors or patterns or needs and so here goes….
Every fucking day for the rest of my life I will be reminded of the failing that I am trying not to let define my life. But when things are this way there’s no escape. I have tried again and again to not fall into that “label” and not just settle but it seems to be the thing to do and I’m sick of trying so god damn hard every freaking day and end up right back where I started.
I just can’t break free and I will end up living the life everyone thinks I will. The life I have lived for 10 years but will just get harder not easier. There will be new struggles and I know I am strong so why not take it on so someone else doesn’t have too. I will give up a few dreams because I can’t move past that barrier.. I will just continue on because there is nothing left in me to start new. Maybe the changes will come and it won’t be so bad. My mind was in a much different place 6 months ago, why can’t it return?
People and feelings change someone so much and so quickly. I just want to bring my focus back….because it seems like the right thing…? Maybe? Maybe I am just giving up..
Whatever the reason it felt better than I feel in the present moment so why the hell not, right..?