So it’s been awhile since I posted here on my regular blog, I’ve been using tumblr a lot lately. Yesterday I was driving and listening to, who else… Hanson! And the lyrics made me think about writing, and how they described my life and it was perfect. So starting with my next post I am taking a Hanson song/lyrics and then telling a life story that resonates with that song.
And I got an email this morning that made my eyes light up! I don’t want to talk too much about it yet, but it’s exciting and BiG news. So as I face my day with more happiness I wish the same for you.
I want to feel free, it may take being there with you, that’s what you do… that’s the addiction I have. I love the way I feel when I’m with you.
Free, relaxed, not a worry in the world.
There is NO one else that makes me feel that way.
I want to spend that time with you, I want to talk and laugh and drink. I want that long gaze then the neck pull… and I lose all control from there! That is what I want..!
I want to be spontaneous and just come see you. Maybe I’m just nuts but I miss you, it’s been months since I saw you. And so much has happened and things don’t feel the same. I want that back. I want we had last year. It was fun and free. Can we have that back please?
I have posted in the past about both my issues and my happiness. Today is another one of those posts. Here it goes… I feel sometimes like I have a curse because I am an introvert and I have a mental health diagnosis, a few actually and not to mention just other issues on top of it and so I struggle a lot, more than I’d like to admit. But of course there are times where I feel like I am thriving. That is the goal for some people I guess especially ones with mental health challenges. To live as normal as a life as possible. My life seemed normal a couple years ago but now the life I live also seems normal it’s weird how normal can be one thing one day and something completely different another day. I still struggle and life gets in the way issues come up mental health stuff mostly. The way I view the world and challenges just seems different than most people and so I end up having a lot of conflicts with how I perceive things I guess, not everyone agrees with me of course and then I get defensive and I have issues with that. But I also have a gift I can just sit there and listen to somebody and just know what they are really trying to express even if they really aren’t finding the right words and that has helped me tremendously in my job. But it hurts in my personal life as well because sometimes people say the nice thing and that’s not what they’re thinking and then other times I mean people sometimes say things out of anger but they really don’t mean it and those are some nicer times because I really I understand and I can sympathize easier with someone who is being angry but doesn’t really mean it then somebody who’s just telling me what I want to hear.
So, in the end, I am an empathic introvert with a mental illness.
Society caters to extroverts and there’s still that mental illness stigma. I haven’t decided yet whether the empathic part is accepted yet or not. Society wants to label everything and put poeple and things inside little boxes and protect everyone from things different from themselves. We need variety to grow and change. We need different opinions. We need to sit with each other and hear about the struggles and strengths in each other’s lives. Build upon each other in so many ways. I know I love it when I am around certain extroverts they rub off on me a bit. And I feel braver, and it def increases my self esteem.
So all in all I have struggles but I still have talents to offer society no matter my “labels”.
It isn’t WHAT you eat, it’s what you FEEL when you eat it. It isn’t WHAT you say, it’s how you FEEL when you say it.It isn’t WHAT you do, it’s how you FEEL when you do it.–Abraham Hicks
In my recent experience I find this true. I guess it always has been but I am just now grasping all of the concepts in these teachings.
And I am wanting to introduce more people to Abraham and how this works and all that. One person in particular always seems down and I’m not sure she’s ready for the message. When the time feels right and action feels like the next step then I will proceed.
I want to set some intentions for my day tomorrow. It is my intention to love everyone and everything unconditionally. I will be joyous in the knowing that all is well, and I can have everything I want. I will relax into allowing the simplest of things and even the things that once seemed impossible. Because I can have anything.
The time of year where things got crazy is coming up soon. That day was supposed to be special. The day we met. The day I knew I loved him. That exact day still lives in my mind yet for a very different reason. How is it that a day of love and bliss can turn into horror 9 years later? And now we approach 11 since that sweet day and 2 since it turned into a nightmare. But my hope is that one day it may be a peaceful day again a day I can say is just another day. My life is so different now. What else is there to say? I don’t want 2 years to turn into 5 then to 7… how can we still be living in this endless dream? Well nightmare really… how do you get by knowing tomorrow will probably be the same as today and it turns into that mundane life all over again? I have resources, power, and support, yet nothing changes. Still apart, still missing him, trying to get through the days.
A few changes in life:
The last 2 weeks I was trying out a new medication. At first things were fine, then not so much. Monday and Tuesday afternoon were 2 of the worst. At this point in time I am not sure what happened but I do know I did not take the medication on Wednesday and I have been fine since.
Also, I have applied for a job “back home” it will involve me moving back to my home state and basically starting over. I am not sure where this will take me but the job is promising. I need to make a change (earn more money) and try to get things in order within the next year. Buying a house is in my future so I need to build my financial wellness and maintain my mental health. I will have more natural supports where I plan to move so I can better care for myself and daughter. Our family has been through a lot and today a decision is being made by some law makers that may affect my family.
I am putting my faith in God that what happens will bring about the best results for us. Update: we are SAFE!
So for some god forsaken reason I have been awake since 3am! It’s a little after 6 now!
On my phone, eating Chinese food, paying bills… yea I am pretty productive apparently.
I’m fighting with whether I should get up and start my day or just try to sleep at least a little.
Thinking, no, I know I am going to apply for a job on Sunday. A job in NJ. I’m nervous because I was kinda going to wait til summer to move but this is an awesome opportunity. I am not sure if the pay rate but I imagine by the job description and the employer it’s well above what I currently earn.
It would put me in a position to purchase a house within a year. Debt is a bit of an issue right now, but I am confident that will change with the new job. It’s bitter seeet and I may cry when I leave here but in the long run it’s better for my family. So many “loose ends” I’d have to tie up as well…
man I’m getting stressed thinking about it. So I guess it’s time for sleep to reset my positive thinking 🙂